It's been a while. Those that know me know what I've been up to. Nothing terribly exciting or rock'n'roll, just my better half becoming increasingly poorly - long term poorly. And he needs me to do an awful lot for him, and that's the way it's going to be for a while. Quite a while, by the seem of it.
I think that's the very worst bit of it for him. The constant feeling of being full on ill with severe vertigo, deafness and tinnitus at the same time and having lost the proper use of his left side is way bad enough, but for a proud, stubborn, Northerner, loosing independence is far, far worse.
But that's just the way it is these days, no point thinking "I shouldn't be this dependent" you just are. Deal with it. I have.
It's funny, funny "queer", not funny "ha ha" , but under extreme circumstances, you learn what you're capable of and you learn who your friends really are. It's taken me about 6 weeks to learn things I've been trying to learn for 34 years in respect of time management, priority management and delegation and most importantly, saying no. For years, I've not been able to say no to anyone, virtually, who has asked me to do anything, but I'm getting quite good at it.
Of course it really would help if your friends would see how you are juggling faster than ever and not ask in the first place.
And I've learned what it's like to have a real struggle. Everything before this has just been a practice.
So you can't say nothing good has come out of the situation.
And I've realized that big organisations are a smoke screens. Their "mission statement", their PR, their printed stuff, their website may show them to be dynamic, progressive, positive, but the bare bones of it at ground level is usually very, very different. Of course, I've always known this really, but as I get older the more obvious, disappointing and downright demoralizing this is.
The same as politics can never really be "for the people" until it ceases to be about the ego's of politicians, the big organizations, charities or companies, are more about the ego of the brand and the board of directors/trustees, than doing a good job helping the people they set out to help, or providing the service they set out to provide.
Of course there are benefits to being part of a big organization. It gives you a certain amount of protection and job security, but I've really learned to look way past the brand power, to the grass roots level. Of course we all need organisation, but it isn't a fixed thing, it needs to adapt. It's the bare bones of it that makes the difference, the people providing the service, delivering the goods, that are the REAL company. And a lot of them are crap.
Last Friday, I took Steve for an ENT appointment and the clinic was running 1 3/4 hours late. It was all he could do to not pass out, and while we were waiting to go in, the Consultant and the Nurses/Technicians were calling people for testing that had just gone into the Consultant, and vice versa. Just doesn't make sense to me.
We live in a Labour stronghold. Irrelevant of your political persuasions, you'd think that the Assembly Member to pick up Steve's requirements and run with them to get him the support he's entitled to, would be the Labour for the constituency we belong to. No, it was a Conservative minister that doesn't even cover our area.
I am no longer going to be taken in by brands. I will make my decision about who to use/trust/depend on/order from based on the individuals I come into contact with and push the brand aside. I've said it before - "It's all about the little people".
There's a big rock club opening this weekend and the whole world will be going. I won't. For two reasons. 1- If Steve fell when I was out working, that'd be one thing, if he fell because I was out dancing, that'd be something else. and 2- Even if I did go, I'm just not in the mood. I'm a bit more tired than usual, and got a lot more on than usual, so I'm not going, and I actually don't care.
Believe it or not, I have actually still made some stuff since we last spoke. Mother's day, ummm, Mothers day, oooo and I started on "the prom dress", but it's not got much further than starting. Perhaps this weekend will be it's debut.
We've got loads to catch up on, haven't we? I'll post again tomorrow, so grab yourself a cuppa and we'll chat then
B xxx
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